- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

- I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

- I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

- Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

- I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

- I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

- Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

- I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

- Money is the root of all wealth.

- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.